Third Place

I've been ruminating on a particular singlehood preponderance for some time. It's a recognition of a reality that makes my heart a little sad. I will preface this by reaffirming my continued contentment and current preference to being single. For me. 

The thought first came to me late winter/early spring when I was running a number of races around West Michigan. I was consistently getting third place in my age category. I was happy to be placing and it was always a thrill to hear my name announced calling me up to receive my award. However, I eventually grew tired of my third place stagnation and longed for and worked at moving into second or first place.  

During my phase of third placedness I recall sighing to a friend, "I'm tired of being third place." My saying that out loud kept the phrase resonating in my head throughout the day. In a completely separate area of life, I was arranging a few outings with friends independently of each other, and due to spouses or children nothing seemed to be falling into place.

I translated my third place position in running to my third place position in relationships. Please do NOT read this as an invitation to a pity party for poor single Vanessa. This is not the case. It is just a realization of the place that a single adult often holds in relationships with friends who are married or in committed relationships.

It is nice to be someone's No.#1. Really nice. To know that you will be the person that they will and can change plans for. To be the one that they will tell their stories to first, to be number one on their speed dial. To be the one consulted on purchases, trips, or employment opportunities.

My dearest friends will cancel or postpone plans with me if a husband/wife/significant other prefers, decides, or needs them to. A husband works late. A child is sick. A wife would rather you just stay home. (Oh, yes, I realize those examples drip with stereotypes, but you get my point.)

Nope, I'm not asking for change. I fully appreciate the commitment and mutual respect in families and I want to be a cheerleader for that. Always.

Just because it makes me a little sad, doesn't mean I'm calling for an upheaval of family relations and order. I have rich and endearing friendships that make my heart glad. They are full of laughter and love. I am deeply valued and respected and given opportunity to express love uniquely to them - even from third place.

I Met a Guy

I know exactly what you are thinking. It's your first reaction, as it would be mine.

"Who is he? Is he single?"

If you are the kind not to pry out loud, this banner of questions is running through your mind.

And that's okay. Or... is it?

Can I meet a guy, tell you about how intriguing, or unusual, or intellectual, or athletic (etc.) he is and not need to preface the rest of the story with his relationship status or potential for coupling?

Mine is a question of curiosity more than anything. I was this (holding thumb and forefinger very, very close together) to posting "I met a guy" on Facebook and leave it to my friends to comment in their suspense, thus supporting my theory of "first question response".

I didn't for two reasons:

1) It's not fair to those who think I will have found my potential complete happiness in locating this fellow because surely he's single, otherwise why would I bother posting (or befriending him, for that matter). And I didn't want to have to explain that it was a silly experiment and in so doing, let them down.

2) I know the answer. A Facebook friend (single, female, late 30's) posted about an exciting weekend, which included spending time with her "man". Clearly this was the first time that she made public any kind of "man" because the excited, enthusiastic, and demanding-more-info comments filled up my home page.

There is no bitterness in my tone, don't worry. It's just a post of awareness and realization. I would wonder and want to ask the same questions. I would be excited with a friend who is just on the cusp of "love" and possible partnership. I love that stuff..

I write because of the societal expectations that are revealed in this simple declaration of "meeting a guy".

And now your curious!

Cinderella Syndrome

I am 33 years old. I am single. I am normal(ish). I am happy. Yes, you read all that correctly. No typos. No missing "not".

I love people and yep, I love men... a lot and for a lot of reasons.  What?   I'm human. I'm female. 

That being said, I remain confident that I can have (and do have!) a fulfilling, fun, and love-filled life as a single person. I'm not finding a lot of single adults in this category and that is what worries me.


I've learned not to be offended when people assume I am married and make the quick, furtive glance to my left hand in search of a diamond. I'm okay with that. Though, it was a process to get to here.

In reaching this point, I have not lost my appreciation for romance, relationships, and marriage, but I do not assume or hope for some Grizzly Adams or Prince Charming (depending on your type!) who will make my life complete and perfect and blissful. 

If we are single or married, life is tough and beautiful. It is a gift to be lived to the fullest with meaningful relationships and appreciation of creation around us - regardless what box we check for "relationship status".  

Oh, I want to write so much more on this. Specifically in regards to "singlism" (the stigmatizing of adults who are single) and how that influences women (and men) who do not have a wedding band accessorizing their ring finger. 

Our society, churches, and culture (thinking West Michigan, right now) do not positively contribute to a happy, convenient, single lifestyle. 

Silly, but real example: Take a few minutes and look through your most recent coupon book or flier. Compare the "Buy one, Get one" to the "10% off" coupons. Yep, the buy one, get ones win! I don't use two-thirds (and more!) of the coupons I receive and want to use because I dine, sip coffee, or attend galleries, shows and museums alone... and like it. 

I'll return to this in a later post. I'm not bitter, don't worry. Just ruminating and thinking and writing (and procrastinating from literature homework).